In the best of situations, you might wish to end therapy because the issues that first brought us into the work no longer feel like they have the same charge. You might be feeling better, feel like you’ve developed an ‘internal therapist’ of sorts, have found support elsewhere and/or no longer feel like time (and money) spent in therapy is the priority that it once was. There may also be practical reasons for ending, like moving away or changes in life circumstances that mean it no longer works for you.
Even if you are completely convinced that ending therapy is the right move for you, there can still be plenty of complications in bringing it up. You might feel awkward or guilty about it, imagining that this will feel like a rejection of the therapist. Others fear that wanting to leave means they are “avoiding the work” or giving up too soon. You might simply just not feel like going through what might seem like an awkward conversation – especially if you can simply send a short message instead and be done with it.
How to know when it is time to end therapy
There often isn’t a single clear moment where you suddenly know that it’s time to stop counselling, but some signs that the ending is approaching include that:
- you feel less overwhelmed by the issues that originally brought you to therapy;
- the things that used to preoccupy you greatly no longer do so in the same way;
- you feel increasingly able to reflect on things independently;
- you find yourself increasingly ‘catching up’ with your therapist, rather than experiencing shifts or feeling things deeply in sessions;
- your feelings of stress, anger, worry, sadness or shame have significantly reduced;
- sessions feel less essential or necessary than they once did; and / or
- you are staying in therapy mainly out of guilt, habit or fear of leaving.
How to break up with my therapist?
There is no ‘right’ way to end therapy, but the reality is that endings are difficult to navigate in any relationship and the therapeutic one is no different. There are no expectations on you as a client to manage this flawlessly or even well – that responsibility lies entirely with us as therapists.
That said, where possible, it is helpful not to disappear suddenly, not least because that means you will be left with plenty that is unsaid. Most of us will have experienced these types of ‘unfinished endings’ elsewhere in life – say in romantic relationships or because of the death of those close to us – and the associated feelings can stick with us for a long time afterwards. Even a short final conversation to work through the ending with the therapist can free you from that experience here.
When first raising the topic of ending, you can do this in whatever way feels most comfortable – either in session or over a message if you’d prefer. Either way is fine. You will no doubt find your own words for this, but it needn’t include any apologies or explanations. Something like, “I think I’m ready to take a break from therapy” or “I’m not completely sure why, but I feel like it may be time to stop”. For myself, I opted for blurting out “I’m not sure if I still need to come here anymore” in the middle of talking about something completely unrelated. All approaches do the trick.
Am I avoiding something?
For me, a good indicator of whether the ending might be about reasons other than things drawing naturally to a close is the suddenness of the decision. When we feel let down, hurt, angry, disappointed or otherwise missed by our therapist, it might be that we all of a sudden decide that we’re done with therapy.
In all cases where the topic of ending comes up, the therapist is likely to spend some time with you to explore what has gone on and why your desire to end has emerged. On the face of it, their seeming reluctance to deal with the break up can be a bit perplexing. After all, you’re paying for a service and you shouldn’t have to explain anything if you want to stop doing that. You wouldn’t have to reveal your deepest motivations to, say, your barber if you decided to stop coming for a haircut, so why should you have to do this in therapy?
The reason why we do this is partly to attend to all the tasks of ending therapy well, but also to consider together whether something that has been unspoken has led you to your decision. In some cases, it may be that staying with and working through what has prompted you to want to leave can be some of the most important work of the therapy.
A personal example
Let me illustrate with a personal example. Before entering my own therapy, I’d historically struggled to assert myself in situations, especially where others with stronger views were able to do so more confidently. Instead of expressing disagreement, or asking things to be done differently, I’d become quietly frustrated and withdraw. Needless to say, over a prolonged period, this did not work in my favour.
The same thing happened in therapy; when the therapist did something I didn’t like, I quietly withdrew and decided I wanted to leave. Exploring in the session why I wanted to end allowed us to see what pattern I was unknowingly acting out. Crucially, it also gave me the opportunity to do something different and to practice the uncomfortable act of saying my piece in a setting where I knew it would be well received.
Ending or changing direction?
There might be all sorts of other assumptions, patterns or fears of which we might not, as clients, even be aware and which are pushing our desire to leave. Sometimes it can be that the work is moving too quickly, that we don’t feel that the therapist understands us, that we’re not addressing the thing that really has us worried, or that we’re moving into territory where we do not yet feel ready to tread. It might also be that the therapist has messed up somehow and said, done, or acted in some way that has made some of the above feelings worse.
Part of the work of therapy is to help you uncover such things and together explore whether you wish to deal with them in your usual way, or whether something else might work better for you in your current circumstances. While we most certainly don’t look to provoke them, the times when you have a strong emotional reaction to the therapist or to something that’s happened in therapy can also provide some of the most fruitful ground for exploration and growth. This opportunity would be missed were the therapy simply to end instead.
Good endings in therapy
Ending the work together can bring up all sorts of emotions that might not have featured prominently in the therapy beforehand, including bringing to mind previous experiences of personal and relationship losses. You might also have some worries about what comes next, whether you’ll be able to ‘make it’ on your own, or where you’ll go afterwards to seek support and solace when things are tricky.
Talking through all of this is generally part of a good ending to therapy. That does not mean every ending needs to be profound or emotionally intense. It might just mean recognising that a particular chapter of life has shifted, and that you’re now better placed to deal with things alone or with those around you.
Bringing things to an end thoughtfully and openly can sometimes feel surprisingly significant. It can offer an opportunity to reflect on what has changed since you first entered therapy, what has been difficult along the way, what has been valuable and what you will be taking with you as you depart.
If you're interested in counselling and psychotherapy sessions in the Oxford area or online, please contact me today to book an initial session.
